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Chapter 143: The Sendai-san whom I don\'t know and the Me whom I don\'t know — 143

Translated by KaiesV

Edited by KaiesV

I had not returned the skirt.

I noticed such a thing in the changing room, but I couldn’t think of going back to Sendai-san’s room now. I took off my clothes and looked at myself in the mirror.

I can tell from my body, which has not a single mark on it, that Sendai-san has listened to me.

I stroke my neck.

There should be nothing left, but I feel like there might be a mark. It’s not just my neck. Something seems to remain in all the places where Sendai-san put her lips, and even if I wanted to think about something else, it would not work.

Sendai-san’s voice, her breath, the feel of her hands.

Everything I had felt earlier was still in my head, taking most of my thoughts away. For the next few hours, or maybe more. A days, or even a week. I don’t know how long, but I don’t want to be thinking about her all the time. I don’t want her to intrude on my mind. I knew what it would be like if I allowed Sendai-san to be there, but I had never heard of it being filled with so many of her.

I let out a small breath, then take off my underwear and enter the bathroom.

I notice that there is no hot water in the tub, so I get hot water from the shower.

「It’s cold.」

What was coming out was obviously water, and I hurriedly stopped what was getting my feet wet. Even though it was a hot day for May, I had no intention of taking a dip in the bathroom. My head may need to be cooled, but the fever is receding from my body and my disordered breathing is in order.

I’m fine with this.

I’m just fine.

I breathe in and out quietly.

Today is not like the last day of summer vacation, it’s not a day of closure. It was a memorable event, but it shouldn’t be like last summer, where I remember even the date.

But I don’t think it can be excused.

That day was a situation where I could make excuses later, like momentum or on a whim. She did look at my breasts before the winter break, but that was in exchange for her teaching me how to study. I can also make excuses for touching Sendai-san on my own during winter break if I want to.

Today, I didn’t choose the option of refusing, even though it was neither a momentum nor a whim, and there were no exchange conditions. I knew what she was doing and decided to forgive her.

It’s not a clean decision, but that’s okay because it was my decision.

I was just amazed at how much I had changed.

I never thought my voice would sound like that or that my body would react like that.

And then…

——I didn’t think it would feel that good.

I thought I had it all figured out, but I really didn’t.

I cautiously poured hot water.

I made sure that the water flowing out of the shower is neither too hot nor too lukewarm before pouring it over my body.

I don’t know if it would be like that with anyone else because I’ve never done it with anyone else. But I am sure that, perhaps, the reason I felt good was because the other party was Sendai-san, and I would have preferred not to have known that all along.

When I began to buy Sendai-san’s time for 5,000 yen, I promised not to have sex with her. I don’t know if I can call what we did today sex, but I think we have come to a different place than the promises we made in the past.

For the most part, if I had known I was going to be like that, I would not have allowed it.

I knew that one day I might have forgiven her, but it wouldn’t have been today. And yet, when Sendai-san swore on my pierce that if I didn’t forgive her today, she would never do such a thing again, my feelings were shaken.

「…Tomorrow, what am I going to do?」

I turn off the hot water.

How I reacted to what she did to me.

All of this, Sendai-san knows.

There is no way that the person who was touching me did not know.

I was the one who created the opportunity, but I didn’t want Sendai-san to know that I had reacted that way. I would like to erase her memory if I could, but I don’t have that kind of magical power.

As long as we live together, we can’t avoid seeing each other for the rest of our lives, even if we live out of time so that we don’t see each other.

「…This is the worst.」

The voice I heard Sendai-san call me repeatedly earlier was not the voice of a roommate calling me. The voice caressing my ear is too comforting, and I want to hear that voice again, even though I stopped her because I didn’t want to hear it any more. But if I wanted to hear her voice again, I would have to do the same thing I did today.

——It’s impossible.

I can’t imagine having to show myself like that to Sendai-san again.

I would like to know what kind of voice she would make if I touched Sendai-san, but I don’t think she would let me touch her maturely.

The things that come into my head are not sane and I know I am going crazy. As it is, I don’t know what I will look like tomorrow when I see her. I wish tomorrow would never come.

「Stupid Sendai-san, stupid… stupid!」

She said we were roommates.

On the day of the graduation ceremony, Sendai-san certainly said so. So, although Sendai-san has been my roommate ever since I came here, and we were supposed to be roommates for at least the next four years, what I did today was not something a roommate would do.

I can’t imagine how today’s events will change our relationship.

The term “roommate” never existed when we were in high school; it’s like a ticket to live together for four years. If that word is lost, I think this life will be gone before the four years are up.

I don’t mind if Sendai-san is not there, but I would be concerned if she’s not there.

I want to know everything that I cannot know.

I don’t know what to do if she disappears or something, even though I care about having her by my side. That’s why we still continue the relationship that was supposed to end there with the graduation ceremony, which was the end of the relationship. But I can’t bring myself to think that way.

I wash up, put on a sweatshirt instead of pajamas, and leave the changing room.

There is no Sendai-san in the common space.

I pour a glass of barley tea and take it to my room.

After half a drink, I move the black cat from the bookshelf to my bedside table and lie down on my bed.

Sendai-san is beyond this wall.

I wonder what she is thinking about now.

I don’t know Sendai-san and I don’t know me.

Today, we learned something we did not know about each other.

I don’t know if it was a good thing that I got to know Sendai-san, whom I never got to know before. I may or may not regret it down the road. I can’t imagine now what will happen.

I just don’t agree that I was the only one who was embarrassed. I feel like I am the only one who has to go through this.

I put my lips to the black cat’s forehead.

I hate it.

I don’t want to think about Sendai-san all this time.

It could be about the university, it could be about Maika. Anyway, I want to think about something different, but I feel inadequate without the heat that was right around the corner.

This is not me.

I close my eyes tightly, though I don’t intend to sleep yet.

I let out a small breath as I see Sendai-san floating in my head as if it were natural.